This article was originally published in 2016 by TIME Magazine. Read the full article here
Ever dealt with a really difficult situation? We’ve all had our emotional resilience tested. Sometimes it feels like you just want to give up.
How do the toughest people summon the will to keep going? Steven Southwick and Dennis Charney have studied resilient people for over 20 years. They spoke with Vietnam prisoners of war, Special Forces instructors and civilians who dealt with terrible experiences like medical problems, abuse and trauma.
In their book Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges they assembled the 10 things resilient people have in common so you and I can learn how to be more gritty and tough when life gets hard.
Here’s what they learned…
1) Be Optimistic
Yes, looking on the bright side keeps you going. But what’s more interesting is that they’re not talking about delusional, pollyanna-style, rose-colored glasses here.
Truly resilient people who need to survive the harshest situations and still accomplish goals (like POW’s and Special Forces units) balance a positive outlook with a realistic view of the world.
From Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges:
Like pessimists, realistic optimists pay close attention to negative information that is relevant to the problems they face. However, unlike pessimists, they do not remain focused on the negative. They tend to disengage rapidly from problems that appear to be unsolvable. That is, they know when to cut their losses and turn their attention to problems that they believe they can solve.
And they’re not the only ones to realize this. When Laurence Gonzales studied survivors of life-threatening scenarios he found the same thing: they balance positivity with realism.
But that leads to an obvious question: how the heck do you do that?
Gonzales realized the distinction is in being realistic about the world but confident in your abilities: see the world accurately — but believe you are a rockstar.
(To learn how to be more optimistic, click here.)
So you’re thinking positive. But what about when your optimism gets tested and things get scary?
2) Face Your Fears
Neuroscience says there’s only one real way to deal with fear: you need to face it, head on. This is what the most resilient people do.
When we avoid scary things we become more scared. When you face your fears they become less frightening.
“I’m scared, but I can learn from this,” or “This is a test that’s going to make me stronger.”
From Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges:
In addition to viewing fear as a helpful warning and guide, medic and SF instructor Mark Hickey believes that fear is good because it keeps him on his toes and serves as a platform for developing courage, self-esteem, and a sense of mastery. When Hickey experiences fear, he often thinks, “I’m scared, but I can learn from this,” or “This is a test that’s going to make me stronger.”
Think positive. Face your fears. Good advice but what do we need to develop deep down to overcome life’s biggest obstacles?
3) Have A Moral Compass
The emotionally resilient people that Southwick and Charney studied all had a strong sense of right and wrong. Despite being in situations that could threaten their lives, they always thought about others, not just themselves.
From Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges:
In our interviews, we found that many resilient individuals possessed a keen sense of right and wrong that strengthened them during periods of extreme stress and afterward, as they adjusted to life following trauma. Also altruism – selflessness, concern for the welfare of others, and giving to others with no expectation of benefit to the self – often stood as a pillar of their value system, of their “moral compass.”
So morals strengthen our resolve in tough times. But where do they often come from?
4) Practice Spirituality
This was the #1 thing that one researcher found when studying people who overcame tragedy.
From Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges:
Dr. Amad found religious belief among survivors to be the single most powerful force in explaining the tragedy and in explaining survival.
But what if you’re not religious? No problem.
Much of the strength from religious activity comes from being a part of a community. So you don’t have to do anything you don’t believe in, but you want to be a part of a group that strengthens your resolve.
From Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges:
For example, the relationship between resilience and religion may partly be explained by the social quality of religious attendance. The word “religion” comes from the Latin “religare” meaning “to bind.” People who regularly attend religious services may have access to a deeper and broader form of social support than is often available in a secular setting.
5) Get Social Support
Even if you’re not part of a religion or community, friends and loved ones are key when life gets hard.
When Admiral Robert Shumaker was a POW in Vietnam, he was isolated from the other captives. How did he maintain his resolve?
By tapping on the wall of his cell. His fellow prisoners could hear it, and they would tap back. It’s ridiculously simple but their “tap code” let them know they were not alone in their suffering.
From Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges:
During his eight years in North Vietnamese prisons, Shumaker used his wits and creativity to help develop an ingenious method of communication, known as the Tap Code, which provided a critical lifeline that allowed scores of prisoners to connect with one another.
Our brains need social support to function optimally. Connection with others releases oxytocin which calms your mind and reduces stress.
6) Have Resilient Role Models
When you study kids who grow up in impoverished circumstances but go on to live productive, healthy lives, what do you find?
They had great role models who provided a positive example and supported them.
From Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges:
One of the first psychologists to study resilience, Emmy Werner, followed the lives of children who were raised in impoverished homes with an alcoholic, abusive, or mentally ill parent. Werner observed that resilient children – the ones who grew up to be productive, emotionally healthy adults – had at least one person in their lives who truly supported them and served as an admired role model (Werner, 1993; Werner & Smith, 1992). Our research has found a similar pattern: all of the resilient individuals we interviewed have role models whose beliefs, attitudes and behaviors inspire them.
But sometimes it’s hard to find people we know we want to be like. That’s okay. Southwick and Charney found that it’s often enough to have bad role models — people who provide an example of what you don’t want to be.
7) Maintain Physical Fitness
Again and again, Southwick and Charney saw that the most resilient people had good exercise habits that kept their bodies (as well as their minds) strong.
From Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges:
Many of the resilient individuals we interviewed have a regular habit of exercise and believe that staying fit has helped them, both during their traumatic ordeals and during their recovery. In fact, some of them credit physical exercise with saving their lives.
And, interestingly, this seems to be more important if you’re someone who’s a bit more emotionally fragile. Why?
The stress of exercise helps us adapt to the stress we will feel when life challenges us.
8) Keep Your Brain Strong
No, that little brain game on your phone isn’t what we’re talking about. Resilient people are very often lifelong learners. They keep growing their mind, learning to learn, and adapting to new information about the world.
From Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges:
In our experience, resilient people tend to be lifelong learners, continually seeking opportunities to become more mentally fit.
This not only keeps you sharp but has a whole host of positive health benefits.
9) Be “Cognitively Flexible”
All of us have one way we typically cope with difficulty, but what sets extremely resilient people apart is they use a number of ways to deal with stressful situations.
From Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges:
People who are resilient tend to be flexible – flexible in the way they think about challenges and flexible in the way they react emotionally to stress. They are not wedded to a specific style of coping. Instead, they shift from one coping strategy to another depending on the circumstances.
10) Find Meaning In What You Do
Resilient people don’t have jobs — they have callings. They have a mission and purpose in life that gives meaning to the things they do.
So when times are hard, they feel a greater purpose is behind them, pushing them forward.
From Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges:
In keeping with Frankl’s conception of service as a pillar of meaning, the ability to see one’s work as a calling may enhance resilience. This holds true even for people performing “dirty work” jobs (e.g. hospital cleaners) and for people who have been prevented from pursuing their chosen career.
Sum Up
Here’s how to increase your emotional resilience:
- Foster optimism: Don’t be in denial. See the world clearly but believe in your abilities.
- Face your fears: Hiding from fear makes it worse. Face it and you overcome it.
- Have a moral compass: A strong feeling of right and wrong tells us we must when we feel we can’t.
- Practice spirituality: Be a part of a group that has strong beliefs.
- Give and receive social support: Tapping on the wall of your cell can keep you going.
- Imitate resilient role models: Or have people you know you do not want to be.
- Physical fitness: Exercise adapts your body to stress.
- Be a lifelong learner: Keep your brain sharp and it will give you solutions when you need them most.
- Have a number of ways to cope: Be like Navy SEALs and Special Forces operators — and laugh.
- Have meaning in your life: Don’t just do a job; have a calling and a purpose.
